yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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