im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
