My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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