Sry I called you an 8
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
