I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize