I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This baby is an asshole
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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