my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
