Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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