I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
