haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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