Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
