i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
