Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
