Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
