Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
