She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
