I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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