im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
