Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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