Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
