Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
