Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Randomize
