just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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