her vagine was all disorganized.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
