I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
