I wish my penis had an off switch
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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