Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
