Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
