theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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