naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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