omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
