I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
