Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
