I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
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