Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Then you guys just all showered together...?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
