my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
