Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
