dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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