Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize
