Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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