a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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