God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
