how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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