I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
