I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
