Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
