the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
