i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize