If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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