Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
