dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
