Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
