the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
