You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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