Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
