You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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